By Leif Davis
You know what really drives me crazy, its when people talk on cell phones when they are driving. You can bet they are talking about, or dealing with some relationship issue. You know the guy who is swerving all over the road with the cell up to his ear, the other hand holding a cigarette, "Honey I, honey I, honey I, I, I, I. Just the other day, I was driving along, talking on my cell-- what? I didn't say I didn't do it, I just said it drives me crazy when other people do it!
A majority of our lives is spent in relationship with other people. Its sometimes surprising to see how many people are walking around (or driving) in what I call the relationship daze.. Particularly, when it comes to romance or being in a committed relationship, we are so often clueless. To become conscious in your relationships is to come out of the fog. I want to share three of the basic qualities of a conscious relationship. The three traits of a conscious relationship are, know your vision, be a good communicator, and be 100% responsible.
First and foremost, being conscious in relationship is to know who you are and what you want. This means being clear about life purpose, your requirements, needs, and wants. Most people think they know this, but so often, we are only looking at the tip of the iceberg, where 90% of the substance is below the surface. From my experience, a good percentage of the problems in committed relationships are because of unstated or unrealized expectations. These are often the residents of our nighttime dreams, the fantasies about the perfect relationship. Taking the relationship out of the fantasy world and making your vision clear and explicit is vital. If you go into a relationship with a huge piece of the iceberg still under the surface, there is bound to be trouble.
The second trait of a conscious relationship is being able to communicate competently- especially when feeling overwhelmed by emotion. And believe me, if there is ever a time when emotion can overwhelm, it in a romantic relationship! Many of us are at times emotionally over reactive.
There are two types of over reactive people according to Harvile Hendrix. In his book, Getting the Love You Want, he calls them minimizers and maximizers. Minimizers stonewall others when they are upset- they under reacting, withhold, or shut down. For minimizers, iIts important to get more understanding of how you are feeling and be effective at communicating to your partner about those feelings.
On the other hand, maximizers tend to overreact when having strong emotions. They make mountains out of molehills often saying things that are hurtful. Maximizers often have the mistaken notion that being close to someone makes it ok to tell everything that you feel at any given moment without any filter- in whatever way it comes out. In reality, you need to be thoughtful, careful, and considerate in how you communicate to your significant other. Learning to manage your emotions, becoming more emotionally intelligent is vital for a good relationship.
Lastly learn to take total responsibility for your relationship. I used to think relationships were 50/50 but have come to realize they are really 100/100 And if two people take 100% responsibility, then that's 200% responsibility. Being responsible means asking for what you need and want and accepting it when you cant have it- in other words accept the other person as they are. On the other hand you must also be willing to end it (or not start it if you are pre committed) if your requirements are not met. It's important to have clarified beforehand, what your requirements are. (Requirements are deal breakers, those things that if not present will cause a breakup).
I have just briefly touched on several of the qualities of a conscious relationship. Being conscious and clear is protection against many of the problems that plague troubled relationships. Look for more of the qualities of being conscious and in love in future articles.
Dr Davis is a relationship coach and psychologist in Orlando Florida. He is an author and speaker and is dedicated to helping people finding love in a sometimes-confusing world. He offers teleseminars, weekend courses, eprograms, and audio programs on conscious dating and for committed couples seeking to deepen their connection and forge strong and lasting relationships. You can find him at: http://www.psychologicalgrowth.com
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